'Rediculous' Customer & Critic Reviews

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#26 Post by **domino harvey** » Mon Feb 12, 2007 12:45 pm

It should be noted that Godard didn't mean the above as a criticism: he loved Persona.

vertovfan · #27 Post by **vertovfan** » Mon Feb 12, 2007 5:43 pm

From amazon.com, a review of Otakar Vavra's Witches' Hammer:

Fast forward review, March 30, 2004
Reviewer: A viewer
What do sex sleaze fans want out of a inquisition movie? Nekkid young ladies of course, preferably on the rack with a hooded priest waving a feather pen around and screaming for a confession. When you see a Czech black and white movie made in 1969, you don't don't expect much. But, the descriptions say "nudity" and "array of tortures", so what the heck, it's cheap.
The first few minutes came as quite a shock. Sure, there's a hooded "narrator" dude with bad teeth to spoil the affair, but what he's interrupting is quite unbelievable - a whole room full of young iron curtain actresses in the buff all taking baths, including close ups and full frontals! Wow, so you think, hey, maybe this is the real deal.

Nope. Several minutes later the FFR's finger is sore from leaning on the fast-forward button flashing by endless scenes of foppily dressed dudes sitting around tables with candles on them drinking lots of wine. Not even any service wenches. The only good thing about the movie is that it's in Czech and the subtitles are mostly hidden by wide screen format, which means you don't have to follow whatever plot there is.

We got the opening scene, one brief bodice rip straw floor cell rape scene that goes nowhere and one look for the signs of the devil on a naked girl later on, but it isn't much. A couple of mild abuse scenes and a couple of burnings, but they're with women who really look the part and an old dude. One star for the opening scene less one star demotion for being a tease and being in black and white.

jt · #28 Post by jt » Fri Feb 16, 2007 7:00 am

The reviews of Hasslehoff's greatest hits album(s) are always good for a chuckle.
eg.

Once in every generation you have gifted musical and literary geniuses who create bodies of work that can only be described as sublime transcendence. Beethoven, Bach, Mozart, Shakespeare, Cervantes, Tolstoy - this pantheon of greatness can only be complete with the addition of none other than Davis Humpinhorse. I was depressed, lonely and spiritually empty until one day, I listened to "The Best Is Yet To Come", and my eyes were opened - I was thus convinced that God not only exists, but we are all ensconced in his presence. If you truly love music and poetry, you must have this CD in your collection. For those who have grown world-weary and cynical, I challenge you to listen to gems like "Do the Limbo Dance", "Highway To Your Heart", "I Believe" and the particularly good song "Hot Shot City" (THE MASTERPIECE which exquisitely describes and defines the human condition) and tell me that life still has no meaning! In terms of his contemporaries, forget clowns like Bob Dylan, Leonard Cohen or Tom Waits. The Hass-man blows them away. People will be studying and enjoying his poetry and music for generations.

I especially like it when some reviewer who isn't in on the joke and bought the album because of the hundreds of 5* reviews pipes up, wondering what the hell is going on...

tryavna · #29 Post by **tryavna** » Fri Feb 16, 2007 11:10 am

That's awesome, JT. But I think the award for best long-running smart-ass Amazon reviews goes to the Vanilla Ice masterpiece Cool as Ice. Take this review, instance:

Ranks with te best of Cocteau, Altman or Scorcese, December 14, 2002
Reviewer: A viewer
"Cool as Ice" has a distinct class struggle undertone redolent of "The Discreet Charm of the Burgeoisie" or the best of 1950s French cinema. Vanilla Ice is the classic rebel outsider and loner, although I think his performance is drawn more from early Brando than James Dean. In one sense he reminds this reviewer of the classic Ernest Hemingway "code hero" such as lieutenant Henry in "A Farewell to Arms" or the fisherman in "The Old Man and the Sea" - a person who does not need the approval or validation of outside society to prove his self worth and inner, spiritual integrity.
Earlier that same year (1991) Vanilla Ice rapped "Go ninja! Go ninja! Go!" in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Secret of the Ooze - while the turtles fought on the dance floor. Ice was demonstrating the utopian vision of man existing spiritually within and outside of nature, a vision first put fort in such early, first generation romantic works as Wordsworth's "Tintern Abbey" or "The Ruined Cottage" or even Blake "The Marriage of Heaven and Hell". I also found parallels between Kat's father )portrayed by Micheal Gross) and Alexei Karenin, Anna's estranged husband in "Anna Karenina".

"Cool as Ice" is an absolute masterpiece, a snapshot of America in the important, epochal year of 1991 - a nation caught between the end of the Reagan boom years of the 80s and election of Bill Clinton in 1992.

jt · #30 Post by jt » Fri Feb 16, 2007 12:55 pm

That's fantastic! Although I think this guy might be being sincere...

Unlike many of the untalented reviewers who have reviewed this movie I have this movie on Laser Disk, that's right Laser Disk.

Instead of watching this movie in stereo, I watched it with Dolby Digital.

Vanilla Ice should get an 100 Oscar if no talents such like Russell Crow and Tom Hanks have Oscars. He is the greatest crossover talent in the Universe.

I had the privilege to watch the amazing fight scene in the movie in slow motion unlike the other reviewer's who had to watch it on VHS.

His rapping is unparalleled on Laser Disk, I've seen this movie on VHS and it's insulting. It's like watching a movie on VCD then watching it in DVD. There is no comparison.

Let me quote the genius that is "Vanilla Ice"; "Drop the Zero and get with the Hero". Not even Arnold Schwarzenneger could come up with a better one liner

godardslave · #31 Post by **godardslave** » Fri Feb 16, 2007 3:39 pm

"cool as ice" has 4.5/5 after 89 reviews at amazon.

Kinsayder · #32 Post by **Kinsayder** » Sun Mar 04, 2007 9:59 am

From the IMDb message board about Jean Renoir:

He was a fat bastard who hopefully died painfully for what he did to those rabbits in rules of the game.

Lino · #33 Post by **Lino** » Sun Mar 04, 2007 10:59 am

"Ã€ votre service, monsieur!"

Esnel Pla · #34 Post by **Esnel Pla** » Wed Mar 07, 2007 9:33 pm

Abbu "abbu" on The Seven Samurai

Save your money and time by not watching this badly made kung-fu movie. The guys in this movie do not know martial arts at all. The story goes as follows: Some shaolin monk gets hired by some korean guys to protect their village. He recruits some other kung-fu fighters and goes to the village and kills all bandits. End of story. The fight scenes are so bad that it is laughable. I have seen movies by bruce lee and Jet Lee and they are vastly superior. Even the recent movie "the Matrix" has great hong kong type fight scenes, but this hong kong movie does not have any.

Abulafia · #35 Post by **Abulafia** » Thu Mar 08, 2007 3:08 am

Surely this review for Godard's Breathless is still king among kings on the ol' Amazon feedback loop.

"I never got what Picasso's paintings meant either., March 15, 2002
Reviewer: G. HOFFMAN (Little Hartley, NSW Australia) - See all my reviews

What is french for dribble???

The editing of this film must have been done by either a blind man or a chimpanzee suffering from attention deficite disorder. The difference between "art" and a movie, art is for the critics to give arwards to and movies are for "common people" like me to enjoy....."

dx23 · #36 Post by **dx23** » Thu Mar 08, 2007 2:38 pm

The last 2 reviews make baby Jesus cry.

Kirkinson · #37 Post by **Kirkinson** » Thu Mar 08, 2007 9:25 pm

Review of The Cranes are Flying at Netflix:

Lots of OK sex, but not much beyond that. In addition, the subtitles are poorly translated into English, they are white, many times on white background and run very quickly. Also, there are absolutely no extras.

My Life to Live, again from Netflix:

Once more Anna Karina strips down to her bra and the world is full of beauty and angst.

The rest of these are from Amazon.

Spirited Away:

Shocked! No Star Here!
That anyone would let a child watch a movie that involves worshiping idols, definitely not for Christian Familys!

Metropolis:

The blurb from the box doesn't tell what the movie is about so it must have no plot. That sounds just postivilt wonderful doesn't it? Lets all rave about how great this movie is, telling nothing about why I should spend thirty dollars on it. It only matters that the "effects" are "great". How great could special effects from the twenties possible be?

Apologies, but these last few are more depressing than hilarious. For The Maltese Falcon:

How is it in this age of computer technology, Warner Bros. is still churning out these black-and-white DVDs? Colorization should be a given. As it is, I can't make out a thing in this non-colored transfer. Until the colorized version is released for everyone to enjoy, I'm not going to buy it.

And Casablanca:

One of the greatest movies ever made and no one wants to release it in wide-screen format. Movies like Casablanca & Citizen Kane changed how most movies, even today, are filmed. Why would anyone want to watch it stretched out to the point where details & background get lost? I get dizzy watching the camera swing back and forth to the speaking characters. While the special features are pretty good, I didn't buy this for a documentary & WB cartoon. I bought for the film. It is time this film was given the proper respect it deserves. If it can be shown on Cable in wide-screen then I should be able to get the Special Edition DVD in wide-screen.

I rented this waiting to be blown away. I'm still waiting. I expected a lot more action. I'm pretty sure I will enjoy it a lot more when Warner Bros finally gets around to releasing the colorized version, the way this movie needs to be seen - the world is not black and white, why should our movies be?

tryavna · #38 Post by **tryavna** » Thu Mar 08, 2007 9:38 pm

Kirkinson wrote:Spirited Away:

Shocked! No Star Here!
That anyone would let a child watch a movie that involves worshiping idols, definitely not for Christian Familys!

Apparently, proper spelling is "definitely" not for Christian "Familys," either....

And couldn't that Metropolis reviewer just look up a synopsis on IMDb or something? (Though I must admit that many specialty labels -- like Criterion and Kino -- automatically assume that potential consumers are already familiar with the plot or simply don't care that much about plot. While their target audience probably falls into either or both categories, I wonder if they don't sometimes lose a few potential sales like the one that Kino apparently lost.)

Those colorization/widescreen comments are just sad. There's nothing to say about them.

Lino · #39 Post by **Lino** » Mon Mar 12, 2007 9:16 am

I enjoyed this one:

OK so it was never going to be the same without Vivian. Having been a fan since the 60's though, and having subjected my children to the Gorilla album , usually when I was drunk ( don't bother phoning the social workers: I am one ), I was desperate to see this DVD of the concert recorded last year My 25 year old son and I sat through it three times, me in wonderment, he in amazement. he definitely now doesn't believe I didn't do drugs. Well done the Bonzos

Cinesimilitude · #40 Post by **Cinesimilitude** » Mon Mar 12, 2007 12:27 pm

I wonder what my honest reaction would be to someone asking to see any classic, black and white, academy ratio film, in color and widescreen would be. Depending on how much sleep I was running on, it'd probably alternate between an educational rant and a punch in the jaw.

#41 Post by **Matt** » Mon Mar 12, 2007 4:05 pm

Kirkinson wrote:Review of The Cranes are Flying at Netflix:

Lots of OK sex, but not much beyond that. In addition, the subtitles are poorly translated into English, they are white, many times on white background and run very quickly. Also, there are absolutely no extras.

I like that one. Reminds me of the old joke: "The food at this restaurant is terrible. And such small portions, too."

Kinsayder · #42 Post by **Kinsayder** » Mon Mar 12, 2007 8:44 pm

Lots of OK sex, but not much beyond that.

I'd be happy to have that on my gravestone.

HerrSchreck · #43 Post by **HerrSchreck** » Tue Mar 13, 2007 12:59 am

That was excellent. Problem is you're probably one of those old fashioned glorps with a 4x3 b&w gravestone. You didn't live in black & white-- why should we hafta stare at a monochrome obelisk furchrissakes??

#44 Post by **Matt** » Wed Mar 14, 2007 12:05 am

Here's a nice one for Pépé le Moko:

Not Believable, June 16, 2004
Reviewer: R. A Rubin (Eastern, PA United States)

I'm afraid that I was disappointed by this 1936 movie of French gangsters in the Casbah. I suppose this was a copy of American gangster movies, but Jean Gabin as a suddenly love sick hard guy willing to risk prison for a pretty face is not believable. In fact, none of the characters seemed realistic. They were almost cartoonish. Humphrey Bogart or James Cagney in their 1930's gangster movies were far more realistic and their films hold up better. Because Gabin's love for Juline Duvivier is not developed, we can not understand why Pepe would give up the sexy life he has in his exotic world. The best part of the movie is Pepe's walk to the harbor. The camera follows him from behind and from unusual angles and cuts. There is a Citizen Kane feeling in these shots. The gritty tear scene at the end is interesting also. Technically this movie is not up to American Gangster movies, but you can see the influence on Godard in the 50's.

arsonfilms · #45 Post by **arsonfilms** » Wed Mar 14, 2007 12:25 am

That one reads like the ramblings of a film school dropout. There's enough references to have a foundation of knowledge (gleaned from the first semester), but a lack of any follow-through to make those references mean anything. A Citizen Kane feeling? Give me a break.

HerrSchreck · #46 Post by **HerrSchreck** » Wed Mar 14, 2007 2:25 am

Here's a gem regarding HAXAN:

Our Stupid Ancestors..., March 9, 2005
Reviewer: H. C. Orr "Child Genius" (Atop the Colossus of Rhodes's Right Leg)

(Or, Why Hysterical Woman Are The Root Of All The Problems In The World).

I was bitterly disappointed by this film. A supposedly famous Scandinavian masterwork, I found "Haxan" ("heck-sen") to be confused and... well, rather boring.

The main problem with the film is that it doesn't know what it wants to be. A documentary? A drama? Furthermore, it holds the view that people who lived in the past were rather stupid and easily led, and that we 20th century people are somehow much cleverer than they were. This is a rather dubious assertion, as it is doubtful that the human race would have been able to continue itself if it had somehow managed to be any more dumb than many people are nowadays.

Even worse, it holds to the outmoded 19th century idea that hystrical women are a serious treat to the wellbeing of the world -a laughably outmoded premise for a comedy, let alone a supposedly serious film.

Plus, the usually immaculate Criterion transfer isn't in evidence here: the images look pixelly. Best avoid, and instead buy some of the German films from the 1920s, like Murnau's "Nosferatu" (1921) or his "Faust" (1925).

The Child Genius has spoken: originality and breaking of genre-convention is a problem. HAXAN takes the side of the witch-burners (hysterical women are indeed a threat to the world!).

And dammit, burning and torturing old women and innocent maids en masse.. and priestly self-flagellation-- all in the name of religion and fear of the devil.. purging this stuff from daily society represented no sort of betterment of the human condition. I know because the child genius hath spoken.

tryavna · #47 Post by **tryavna** » Wed Mar 14, 2007 11:33 am

HerrSchreck wrote:
"Haxan" ("heck-sen")
I know because the child genius hath spoken.

My favorite part is when he provided -- in parentheses -- the proper pronunciation of the title.

J Wilson · #48 Post by **J Wilson** » Wed Mar 14, 2007 11:41 am

A good one for Polanski's Macbeth:

This doesn't even deserve one star

This movie has a record in my book: THE WORST MOVIE I HAVE EVER SEEN! It starts out laughably funny, and goes on to be such a horrid excuse for "filmmaking" that I wished it over. Being a fan of the Bard, with Macbeth being one of my favorite plays, I looked forward to seeing an adaptation from the Famous (or infamous if you like) Roman Polanski. What I saw was a hack job by someone who thinks he has talent. And I'm trying to be nice.
the worst parts of the movie consisted of the monologues, which consisted of Macbeth and others make pensive faces while their voices were heard, like they're trying to remember what they had for dinner, and of course, the disgusting nudity of the witches. I don't need to see that. It seems to Mr. Polanski that naked equals insanity, because once Lady M finally goes bananas, she leaves her clothes in her room. Or perhaps the nudity was necessary in order to get Playboy Pictures to endorse the waste of film this movie was, with some nude women closer to Hugh Hefner's own age.

The one thing I can say about it is that I met my now wife while watching it, and we both hated it so much we became friends.

Roman Polanski: Bringing People Together Through Hatred

miless · #49 Post by **miless** » Wed Mar 14, 2007 11:58 am

here's one for Mulholland Dr.:

If I want to see a boring and pointless dream sequence I'll rewatch Dallas
Roger Ebert, a review I greatly respect and normally agree with, raved about this flick. Roger, I love you, but you missed the boat on this one.

I'm not going to review the plot because it's been done by several reviewers already. Suffice it to say, David Lynch didn't get enough of symbolism interpretation in freshman English ("Okay, class, who wants to discuss the meaning of the impaled pig's head on page 72 in Lord of the Flies? David, how about you?") and now want to inflict it on you, the unwitting movie watching public. Thanks, Mr. Lynch, but I'll pass. I didn't enjoy figuring out the obscure symbolism in page after page of Crime and Punishment and I didn't enjoy it in scene after scene of Mulholland Drive.

To add insult to injury, Lynch prides himself on putting scenes in his movie that make absolutely no sense, rationalizing it by saying life often doesn't make sense. This habit of his is less noticible in this film than, say, Twin Peaks, mostly because the whole film is for the most part senseless. Yeah, it's true that a lot of things are absurd in my own life, but more along the lines of "...I would've won Powerball this week except I spent my lottery money on a scented candle at the RenFaire, what the heck was I thinking..." or "...I wasted 2 1/2 hours of my life watching this dumb movie, what the heck was I thinking..." but I've yet to be visited by scrawny cowboy or a wheelchaired dwarf. I must live a sheltered life or something.

Lynch also forbids chapter cuts in his DVD, believing his movie must be watched in its entirety, or not at all (I'd advise the second.) To be fair, in this case I don't think he's motivated entirely by a exaggerated sense of importance, but rather by the knowledge that every male, if given the chance, would overshoot most of the movie and focus on the hot chick on chick action. C'mon all you 5 star givers, admit it! You find the movie pretentious and silly, but the topless scenes more than make up for all the drippy pseudo-art!

To reiterate, if I wanted to see a boring and pointless dream sequence I'll rewatch Dallas - if I wanted to see a nice rack I'll take my top off and look in the mirror. Who needs Mulholland Drive?

oh, Dallas, where they belittled everyone's intelligence by negating an entire season... instead of provoking thought, right...

and another:

WTF??
PUKE!!! UGH!!! WRETCH!!! VOMIT!!! Worst movie ever! A bunch of deep nonsense. Utterly unwatchable.

deep nonsense?

MichaelB · #50 Post by **MichaelB** » Wed Mar 14, 2007 12:01 pm

miless wrote:deep nonsense?

No, a bunch of deep nonsense. Don't take his pearls of wisdom out of context!